You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
