Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
