I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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