you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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