I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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