I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
