Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
