you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
