just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
