Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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