Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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