i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
