On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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