he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
