6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
