I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
