I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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