I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
