Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
