I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
