i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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