dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
