if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
