I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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