He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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