Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
