I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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