My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
