i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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