i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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