you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
how does that bad decision feel?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
