I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
