I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
