...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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