Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
