Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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