you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think your dad took our porno
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
