Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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