Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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