I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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