After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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