Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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