you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
