when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
