I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you inspire me to be a worse person
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
