there's paper in my vomit.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
