she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
