all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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