she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
