the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
