I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
