Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
